i'm back & i'm writing a book!
intrusive thoughts, life updates & action items! spoiler alert: i live in california now
songs i can’t get out my head: my december spotify playlist
I think I’m the last one of my friends to ever do anything. I even got COVID-19 three years later than most of my friends. I have yet to be in an official, romantic relationship and I’m not planning on having kids anytime soon (if ever). I blame this on my hyper independence and the false notion/ my belief that romantic relationships equate to the death of one’s independence (it doesn’t, they say).
Recently, my therapist asked me how I felt about being almost 28 and still haven’t had a full time job that lasted more than a year. Not fucking great when you say it like that, thanks Brenda1*. Before you get ahead of yourself, full time as in not temp or contracted. The past year I worked full time, just technically on a temp salary (a story for a different day). I’ve had more internships than I can count, all unpaid and I start hyper fixation projects like nobody’s business. I think I will be an excellent CEO one day, if I decide I want to and pick a goddamnthing. Every time I get a job, one of my moms says in good jest, “Congrats on your FIRST job!” (e.g. ice cream scooping, the Hillary campaign, contact tracing, you get it).
We can point to privilege and chronic illness and the pandemic (still ongoing) for this but I also have learned that it’s okay. It’s okay to not always have a 9-5, it’s okay to not have a full time job, for your job to be something you aren’t passionate about and it’s okay for your job to not be your entire life. A job can just be a job— a means to an end— and the less I wrap my own career-obsessed identity around it, the more I free and open myself up to my own creativity. The key is just not to give a shit. Note: this is a Very Hard Practice to Do, especially in quite possibly the MOST career-obsessed city: Washington, DC; but, it seems society is also leaning into the belief that you are worth more than your occupation/ salary/ degrees/ etc. In fact many my generation have embraced the anticapitalist mindset and that simply doing the required job description (not above and beyond) does not equate to laziness. It makes you human.
But I still struggle with this: if your career isn’t the most important thing/ how you change the world or how else are we going to? I used to see electoral politics as a means for social change and my way of changing the world. Then I turned to antiracism, community organizing. This was meaningful but I still need to find my spark and passion and at the time a way to make money. I still care deeply about queer rights and queer history; maternal health and mortality and racism in the medical system; disability justice and adoptee representation and community. Do I still want to go to grad school and in what? Social work, journalism, public health? Seems like a medium to high reward to excruciating circumstances and price (mostly kidding, a nod to grad student’s mental health and crippling debt). All these are valid questions of a twenty something. But how much of this is enough? How much are we suppose to do to make the world a better place or how many people are we suppose to help until it’s “enough?” Obviously all of these questions are subjective and apologies in advance if this sends you spiraling. I’ve done a shit ton of work in therapy to becoming okay with not knowing the answers to all of these questions. Just some things to think about!
a gif i found online and screenshotted from the movie: bottoms
in other news
I finally moved to California! Many of you know this has been a long time coming, so it’s surreal and new and exciting and certainly an adjustment. Most notably, I caught COVID within a week of moving so it’s been a slow but grounding start to my adventure. I live in Oakland, across the bay from San Francisco! Think Brooklyn of NYC? There are so many queer people here and the pace already feels lifetimes away from DC. But I kind of miss the ~hustle and bustle~ of a faster paced city. HOWEVER, the views are unmatched and everyday I wake up to palm trees and seagulls rivaling my normal views of snow and clouds in the Northeast this time of year. But it’s still quite cold and I moved without a rain jacket or puffer so those were a necessity to buy ASAP.
This week I start work at a small foundation. Yes, another desk job. I don’t want to talk about it. And I already have been on a date before I went grocery shopping so you can see where my priorities are (totally kidding). Huskies are also the most popular dog I’ve seen (surprisingly) but unsurprisingly every time I see a corgi or a golden retriever I internally scream. With joy. To be clear.
OH, I also started writing my first draft of my novel !!!!! Thanks to Haley Jakobson’s alumni writing course (you can sign up here) I am in community with even more brilliant writers and a Novelista group that encourages me that all of these abstract or ridiculous ideas might not be so far fetched. Think: chaotic queer friend group in DC, MILFs, L word charts and uninsured and underemployed Millenials. You get the gist.
Anyways, those are my recent updates. Will report back with more news.
Hope everyone has a safe and festive holiday <3 I hope to post an actual monthly newsletter. We’ll see. If you loved this, feel free to send it to 6 friends who may enjoy! If you hated it, it’s because I wrote this with my COVID foggy brain and I can’t remember what street I lived on as a child. Just kidding. But brain fog is REAL. Better luck next time.
Catie
action items:
have you called your reps/ donated/ signed a petition for a cease fire ????
follow this page, call/ write to your legislators for more info on Long COVID Moonshot funding!!!! (we are demanding $1B+ in annual research funding for Long COVID)
sign up to volunteer/ chat with queer elders!
name changed for confidentiality. to be clear, i love my therapist, maybe less so in this moment
Many thoughts.
A. I wanna read your book!!! Let me know when you're letting folks read drafts
B. So happy for your move to Cali! You really manifested bc when I met you this spring you told me that day that you really wanted to move to Cali! Oakland is so nice and you're going to build a beautiful life there!
C. I feel you on work shit! Moving is a great opportunity to shake the DC brainworms. Sometimes a job is just a job.
D. Have you thought about occupational therapy? lol. I'm biased but there is a lot of work there in occupational justice/empowerment/adoptee justice etc.